Whether you’ve attended therapy before or you’re excited to start, you might begin to wonder, what is really happening in that room? We attend therapy because of life changes, and we show up to the therapy hour because we want something to be different in our lives. As for talking - speaking changes our brains. That is, if we do it in a new and fresh way. We are “paving” new paths in the pavement of our brains. Speaking in this new way, we are inviting, planning, predicting, accepting, and living inside of new possibilities. Then why do so many of us leave before it’s really over? Many of us have trouble trusting that anything new can come of talking — I’ve been talking about the problem with my friends and family and nothing has changed, what’s so different about counseling? See the list below for what makes therapy a special “space” that’s highly energized for change and to gather some insight on what your therapist might be thinking about.
Probably my personal favorite, we find ourselves able to approach painful parts of our identity in therapy. Whether these exist as past mistakes or simply those dark crevices inside our own minds, we pull apart these aspects of the “shadow,” and allow them to be witnessed in their full glory. In many ways, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy connects closely with Jungian shadow work. We discover acceptance for the weird, strange, uncomfortable, and painful parts of human existence. In therapy, we learn that these are not shameful, guilty, or otherworldly parts of the human, but simply more sides of the vast personality. And to ignore our shadow urges is to give them power. So the therapist and the therapy room gladly serve as a place of shadow expression without judgment and to bolster containment, so that we can live our daily lives without a struggle between the “light” and “dark.”
Many therapists focus on “skills-work” and rightly so. Skillful behavior (AKA coping strategies) methodically change painful experiences into tolerable, neutral, or positive experiences. These methods view problems like anger as the result of an unskillful way of seeing and acting in the world. Actionable skills may be easily learned, but very hard to implement in the moment, because painful emotions can take over. Some skills are inherent in therapy (eg. talking about one’s problems honestly, facing difficult emotions head-on), whereas others are explicitly learned in a step-by-step fashion. These can include using tracking tools, meditation, assertive dialogue, and many more. Therapists should personally tailor skills to your needs except in the case of a skills training group, which typically follows a curriculum, and come in many flavors (rational-emotive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc.). Treat therapy like a karate dojo and show up to work hard and learn!
I think this is the number one explanation I hear for attending therapy, and it is a great reason! But, not in the way you might think. In fact, the “objective lens” actually sees some of your faults — which is OK, because we all have faults, definitely including your therapist. In relationships, we can be on auto-pilot, enjoying our day, and also be sending signals that others might find off-putting. By creating the concept of the Johari Window, researchers point out that there are facts about ourselves that others know about, but we do not. For example, spinach in my teeth is something I might not be aware of, but you can see easily. Due to social rules, sometimes people might find aspects of ourselves upsetting or hurtful but choose not to speak up (eg. it might feel rude or uncomfortable to tell me about that spinach). If you like sitcoms, this side of the Johari window is a consistent plot element on nearly every episode of Seinfeld, especially Jerry’s romantic flings. But don’t worry - your therapist is not going to call you rude names or tell you you’re a bad person. See the next session to learn about therapy as a “safe place.”
Lots of people grow up without opportunities to develop their emotions. Children can be squashed in so many ways - told to not cry, told to “behave,” and even more extreme signals which hinder growth. Parents have it tough trying to communicate with kids and even the smallest message of aggression or wavering parental love can lead to a lifetime emotional roadblock. This is normal and OK. In all cases, your therapist will be trying to create a safe space in therapy. Safety means that the client can share their problems without fear of being attacked or reinforced to avoid their feelings. Many therapists see this as an inherent and necessary step in therapy, and can involve a lot of more indirect work, eg. getting to know you, talking about what you enjoy, talking about your past. At this initial stage, some people start wondering if therapy is actually productive, and this is an important thing to say to your therapist if they haven’t already asked. That feeling of readiness to do something about the problem might be exactly what your therapist is wanting to hear! And recalling the statement from above - just talking about the issue creates change. In the same stead, getting a chance to breath in a safe space can create feelings of safety in other areas of our life.
Most importantly - take things lightly. Therapy can get really serious, so taking a break for a quick laugh can remind both therapist and client of their main identities beyond the treatment context — human. As the one usually doing the therapist-ing, I can get lost in these above goals, but overall the space exists to remind us both of our overarching humanity, even when aspects of our modern lives try to strip that from us. As a client, one might also consider that some therapists tend to lean towards one of these above contexts, or another unlisted context. We may do best in counseling when both therapist and client are clear about the path - eg. “I want to learn how to deal with my depression” would be Dojo-thinking. Whereas, “I just need to talk about my problems to someone” might be someone seeking a safe-haven. If things ever feel out of alignment or you feel like you’re not getting what you want from your therapist, let them know, because chances are, they really want that feedback! Wherever your counseling journey takes you - remember that counseling is about your personal journey and the therapy process should regularly reflect your personal mission.